This is an actual letter to the bank that an 86 year old woman wrote to her bank. The bank manager had it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:
> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which
> I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my
> calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between
> his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of
> the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
> automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an
> arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
> years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief
> window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30
> by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
> My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
> incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
> I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone
> calls and letters, — when I try to contact you, I am
> confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded,
> faceless entity which your bank has become.
> From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
> flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments
> will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but
> will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
> confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
> nominate.
> Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any
> other person to open such an envelope. Please find
> attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen
> employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
> but in order that I know as much about him or her as your
> bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note
> that all copies of his or her medical history must be
> countersigned by a Notary Public,
> and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
> (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied
> by documented proof.
> In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your
> employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in
> dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than
> 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of
> button presses required of me to access my account balance
> on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
> sincerest form of flattery.
> Let me level the playing field even further. When you
> call me, press buttons as follows:
> IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR
> ENGLISH:
> #1. To make an appointment to see me.
> #2. To query a missing payment.
> #3. To transfer the call to my living room in
> case I am there.
> #4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case
> I am sleeping.
> #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I
> am attending to nature.
> #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if
> I am not at home.
> #7. To leave a message on my computer, a
> password to access my computer is required. Password will
> be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized
> Contact mentioned earlier.
> #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to
> options 1 through 7.
> #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
> The contact will then be put on hold, pending the
> attention of my automated answering service. While this
> may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
> will play for the duration of the call.
> #10. This is a second reminder to press * for
> English.
> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also
> levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this
> new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so
> slightly less prosperous New Year?
> Your Humble Client,

Tags: 86, bank, Funny, great, letter, old, to, year